Sunday, May 21, 2006
It's close to noon. I will soon be free to roam the streets of Singapore and terrorize the citizens. But NOOOOO, I am not able to do that. Why? This is because I will be stuck in school be it in Bedok or Bishan. At this moment, I am absolutely hating staying in school and going to school. It is bad: this hating. But what am I to do? Life's like that.
I have just come to the realisation that I always stay behind for some job or other that will usually end up with me in an extremely bad mood at the end of the day. Also, I stay out because of some work unfinish business. It is not always about pleasure. Heck, it has never been for pleasure. It is all about service. Service for the people. Serving the people. Lord, I might even be a civil servant. Now and then, I will find time to do a little off course to derive some pleasure and satisfaction but no, I am usually in trouble sone time after. I have not gone out without worries. I come back home to various degrees of scoldings and verbal abuse. When they come home, I meet the same. I admit that it is truly my fault. My fault lies in having the need to do something for everyone. Now, I feel that I am losing out in this world by giving in to almost anyone. Hurting almost indefinitely and losing the opportunities presented to me. Now, this year, I do not want to think of any one else but I am absolutely sure that I will cave in to the pressure. However, surely, I will stand for myself and be seen a bit more selfish and less selfless. I am sick of giving in to undeserving people. I am tired of doing all this.
It has all led to more verbal abuse. I am sorry that I am the eldest and I am sorry that I am a girl. I am sorry that I was never like my younger brother. I have no ambition. Call it self-pity if you want. I have no desire to argue. Argue leads to tension and thereafter, God knows.
this person is different from the person you think you knew
